Mentoring
Part II: Being a Good Mentor
By Amanda Kelly
Originally published in Dogs In Review magazine (U.S.A.) in 2005. All rights reserved. This text may not be reproduced without the express, written consent of the author.
In the first column of this series we looked at the opportunities and challenges mentoring presents both breeders and their students. In the end we concluded that, though the opportunity for many benefits exists, the road to a successful relationship is rocky and can be full of potholes. Foremost among these is the often awkward transition a student must at some point make between a receptacle of knowledge and, if not an equal, at least an autonomous breeder.
This month we take a closer look at the roles mentors must fill as well as their responsibilities toward their students, their breed and the wider dog community.
Roadblocks
While it is true that novice breeders must take some responsibility for their own learning and development, it is important to realize the tremendous task they face when entering the dog world. A friend recently passed the comment that every long-time dog breeder should periodically have to go out and try to buy a quality dog of another breed. Not only does this exercise remind us of the supreme excitement involved in bringing that new puppy home, it also gives breeders a perspective on the difficulties associated with identifying good breeders from bad in an unfamiliar landscape while also avoiding the roadblocks we breeders erect, whether consciously and unconsciously.
Established breeders, particularly in smaller breeds, really do hold all of the cards when it comes to helping or hindering new fanciers. One word from an old-timer in some breeds, for example, can effectively blacklist a newbie, preventing them from acquiring the quality stock they need to get a good start and often relegating them to the slow climb up from obscurity using sub-standard dogs as their foundation. After all, if no good breeders will work with you, who does that leave? The process of choosing a breeder, establishing a relationship and then waiting for the right puppy is a long and complicated one – it behooves us to remember that.
With that in mind, one of the first steps to becoming a good mentor is making yourself available and obvious. Don’t expect new breeders to find you. No matter how illustrious your record in your chosen breed, chances are an outsider won’t have heard of you and/or may be intimidated to approach you.
Traditional Roles
Once the new couple (puppy and buyer) are united, the breeder and new owner move into their roles as mentor and student, complete with its opportunities and drawbacks.
The traditional roles of good mentors are often discussed so need little elaboration here. Obviously a mentor is expected to pass on valuable information on basic breeding principles, the history of one’s breed and helpful grooming and conditioning tips. Discussions of the breed standard, reminiscences of great (and not so great) dogs of the past and the exchange of ideas that go along with any learning activity are also to be expected. And, of course, there is the responsibility of the mentor to instil in their protégé’s a deep love and respect for the dog game – a feeling that will last beyond failed relationships, breeding set-backs or losses and sustain their devotion to dogs for a lifetime. In the end, it is the mentors of today who will create the mentors of tomorrow.
And yet mentoring is about more than transmitting information, knowledge or breeding strategies. Mentoring is about encouragement and temperance, pride and disappointment, guidance and autonomy. It is a relationship akin to parenthood -- minus the birth and complete with the tantrums. Knowing how to balance each of the above is what makes a mentor successful.
And from this delicate balance rise the two greatest challenges mentors, just like parents, face – the ability to feel pride in the achievements of another and the ability to let go. Let’s look at another example.
Dazed and Confused
Today is an exciting day for “Jeff” as, after years of planning and months of training classes, he prepares for the show debut of his very first, home-bred puppy. Arriving at the show with plenty of time for grooming and acclimation, he waits nervously at ringside for his turn. His mentor, “Charlotte” has several puppies entered as well and the two compete head-to-head for points. The result? Success for Jeff and his puppy!
But as Jeff relishes his first win, he is disturbed by Charlotte’s attitude. After cursory congratulations in the ring, Charlotte stomps away angrily. She is later heard explaining to another exhibitor everything that is wrong with Jeff’s puppy and why it “should never have won in a million years.” Jeff is hurt and angry, confused by his mentor’s refusal to acknowledge his success – their success.
For her part, behind all of the bluster Charlotte is equally confused. She knows she should be supportive of Jeff’s wins and yet she is embarrassed to have lost to him.
Pride Isn’t Always a Sin
As a parent we seem to have no difficulty with pride – sometimes to the extreme point of living vicariously through the accomplishments of our sons and daughters. And yet the complete opposite is often true in the dog world. Having invested hundreds of hours of time in educating the novice breeder, giving them tools to make educated and responsible decisions and nurturing their love for our breed – when it comes time for them to shine on their own it is the mentor herself who often falters.
I came across an interesting quote recently that had strange parallels to the situation faced by Jeff and Charlotte. It was found on a martial arts web site and read as follows: “I have heard a sensei once say that a student surpassing the teacher is a teacher’s greatest honour. I’m not sure I agree. I would feel great disappointment in myself if I was defeated or surpassed in skill by a student.”*
And so it can be in the dog world. Whether it is rooted in our own insecurities or simple jealousy is immaterial as it is our actions that speak most clearly to those we aim to help. Just as teenagers secretly look to their parents for approval and recognition, new breeders look to old for confirmation of their successes.
Good mentors recognize that the successes of their students, both former and current, are an extension of their own accomplishments. At the same time, however, at its base competition is about winning. Regardless of whether you are defeated by a friend or foe, losing is still losing. While one might sit in an ivory tower and expound the theoretic virtues of taking pride in the accomplishments of one’s student – that sentiment is sometimes neither realistic nor practical. Feelings are feelings, and competition speaks very strongly to our fragile human egos. With that in mind, it is hardly surprising that some of the best mentors are those who no longer actively exhibit their dogs and/or who live in far-removed geographic areas from those they help.
If you are facing such a situation, however, the key is to know yourself well enough to decide whether or not you can handle such a loss with grace. If you can’t, don’t set yourself up to fail. Take ownership of how you feel and make a plan to deal with it – whether that means avoiding direct competition or at the least discussing the issue with your student ahead of time. One of my favourite fellow competitors readily admits he is a poor loser and, upon leaving the ring after a loss, will often be heard to remark, “Give me a couple of minutes – I need to cool off.” He is open and honest about the fact that he is a poor loser, regardless of who he loses to. He separates himself from the situation in order to prevent himself saying things he might regret and, consequently, those he competes against can both predict and handle his response.
Regardless of how this problem is addressed though, it is important to recognize the potential for such a situation before it takes place.
Empty Nest Syndrome
Our second great challenge also finds parallels in parenthood -- knowing when to let go.
As was pondered briefly last month, the lifecycle of mentoring relationships is difficult to define. We can usually pinpoint the beginning fairly easily and in an ideal world the relationship would never “end,” but instead change to meet the shifting needs and skills of both the mentor and student. In an ideal world, mentorships eventually segue into partnerships and partnerships into equality (if there is such a thing in the dog world).
But we don’t live in an ideal world. Instead what most “students” find is that their status as a relative novice is difficult to leave behind in the eyes of their mentor, no matter how many years they have invested.
Over time this can lead to situations where our “student” (in reality now a breeder in his or her own right) is hemmed in by unneeded restrictions and trapped in a subservient position. If a strong individual, she may choose to break free of these restraints or at the least make her feelings known – sometimes with destructive effects on the relationship. If not, he/she may instead elect to become a satellite, allowing the master breeder to reap the benefits of her hard work or at least control the path of her breeding program.
In either case, the mentor has failed.
The modern penchant for contracts, co-ownerships and controls, discussed previously with regard to their effect on the developing student, can prove equally as difficult as the protégé matures. Despite growing knowledge and proven commitment, many mentors still struggle with the ability to trust. This is not to say that contracts are a bad thing – they most certainly have their uses, however it is important to re-evaluate the strengths of the individual you are dealing with each time a new agreement is entered into. The same strings should not apply to a breeder you have been mentoring for five years that apply to the first-time puppy buyer.
Mentorship Plans
One incredibly useful tool gaining popularity in the dog world is the use of a mentorship plan. While not precluding the use of individual contracts for particular dogs, this document clearly lays out both long and short-term goals for both the mentor and student to aim for. Among its benefits, it formalizes the mentorship – the equivalent of officially “going steady” in the dating world -- which eliminates ambiguity and the potential for differing expectations. Second, it gives both parties a very clear idea of the nature of the relationship, where it is going and how it can get there. Third, by identifying timeframes and benchmarks of success, the mentorship’s success can be more readily measured and its efforts more clearly focussed.
In some cases such an agreement may aim for eventual partnership and equality between the two parties, in others it may simply look at individual goals such as having a first litter, finishing a first champion, attending a national specialty, buying a dog from another line, etc. Regardless, such a plan affords a great deal of structure in what can be an otherwise winding and unpredictable path. It outlines the roles of each of the participants and forces each to take ownership of their expectations and responsibilities to make it happen. The agreement should be reviewed regularly, perhaps even annually, as often the source of contention in relationships stems from diverging expectations that have not been clearly communicated.
Trust
In the end, mentors who find themselves unable to trust their protégé’s over time need to seriously re-evaluate (a) whether that individual is a worthy student or (b) what their own attitudes are toward the relationship. After all, a mentorship without trust has limited possibilities in the long run.
Knowing when your student is ready to strike out on his or her own and providing her with the opportunity and encouragement to do so is the greatest gift a mentor can give. This transition is key. Sure, he or she will make mistakes – just as you have – but they will learn and grow even more in the doing than they ever could have through your telling.
Next month: Successful mentoring is a two-way street. Being a good student is an important part of the equation.
____________________________
Amanda Kelly is an award-winning dog writer from Halifax, Nova Scotia. Along with her mother, Wendy, Amanda breeds top-winning Toy Manchester Terriers under the Fwaggle prefix. She is currently Editor of Canine Review, Canada's oldest independent dog magazine.
____________________________
Tips For Being A Good Mentor
Originally published in Dogs In Review magazine (U.S.A.) in 2005. All rights reserved. This text may not be reproduced without the express, written consent of the author.
In the first column of this series we looked at the opportunities and challenges mentoring presents both breeders and their students. In the end we concluded that, though the opportunity for many benefits exists, the road to a successful relationship is rocky and can be full of potholes. Foremost among these is the often awkward transition a student must at some point make between a receptacle of knowledge and, if not an equal, at least an autonomous breeder.
This month we take a closer look at the roles mentors must fill as well as their responsibilities toward their students, their breed and the wider dog community.
Roadblocks
While it is true that novice breeders must take some responsibility for their own learning and development, it is important to realize the tremendous task they face when entering the dog world. A friend recently passed the comment that every long-time dog breeder should periodically have to go out and try to buy a quality dog of another breed. Not only does this exercise remind us of the supreme excitement involved in bringing that new puppy home, it also gives breeders a perspective on the difficulties associated with identifying good breeders from bad in an unfamiliar landscape while also avoiding the roadblocks we breeders erect, whether consciously and unconsciously.
Established breeders, particularly in smaller breeds, really do hold all of the cards when it comes to helping or hindering new fanciers. One word from an old-timer in some breeds, for example, can effectively blacklist a newbie, preventing them from acquiring the quality stock they need to get a good start and often relegating them to the slow climb up from obscurity using sub-standard dogs as their foundation. After all, if no good breeders will work with you, who does that leave? The process of choosing a breeder, establishing a relationship and then waiting for the right puppy is a long and complicated one – it behooves us to remember that.
With that in mind, one of the first steps to becoming a good mentor is making yourself available and obvious. Don’t expect new breeders to find you. No matter how illustrious your record in your chosen breed, chances are an outsider won’t have heard of you and/or may be intimidated to approach you.
Traditional Roles
Once the new couple (puppy and buyer) are united, the breeder and new owner move into their roles as mentor and student, complete with its opportunities and drawbacks.
The traditional roles of good mentors are often discussed so need little elaboration here. Obviously a mentor is expected to pass on valuable information on basic breeding principles, the history of one’s breed and helpful grooming and conditioning tips. Discussions of the breed standard, reminiscences of great (and not so great) dogs of the past and the exchange of ideas that go along with any learning activity are also to be expected. And, of course, there is the responsibility of the mentor to instil in their protégé’s a deep love and respect for the dog game – a feeling that will last beyond failed relationships, breeding set-backs or losses and sustain their devotion to dogs for a lifetime. In the end, it is the mentors of today who will create the mentors of tomorrow.
And yet mentoring is about more than transmitting information, knowledge or breeding strategies. Mentoring is about encouragement and temperance, pride and disappointment, guidance and autonomy. It is a relationship akin to parenthood -- minus the birth and complete with the tantrums. Knowing how to balance each of the above is what makes a mentor successful.
And from this delicate balance rise the two greatest challenges mentors, just like parents, face – the ability to feel pride in the achievements of another and the ability to let go. Let’s look at another example.
Dazed and Confused
Today is an exciting day for “Jeff” as, after years of planning and months of training classes, he prepares for the show debut of his very first, home-bred puppy. Arriving at the show with plenty of time for grooming and acclimation, he waits nervously at ringside for his turn. His mentor, “Charlotte” has several puppies entered as well and the two compete head-to-head for points. The result? Success for Jeff and his puppy!
But as Jeff relishes his first win, he is disturbed by Charlotte’s attitude. After cursory congratulations in the ring, Charlotte stomps away angrily. She is later heard explaining to another exhibitor everything that is wrong with Jeff’s puppy and why it “should never have won in a million years.” Jeff is hurt and angry, confused by his mentor’s refusal to acknowledge his success – their success.
For her part, behind all of the bluster Charlotte is equally confused. She knows she should be supportive of Jeff’s wins and yet she is embarrassed to have lost to him.
Pride Isn’t Always a Sin
As a parent we seem to have no difficulty with pride – sometimes to the extreme point of living vicariously through the accomplishments of our sons and daughters. And yet the complete opposite is often true in the dog world. Having invested hundreds of hours of time in educating the novice breeder, giving them tools to make educated and responsible decisions and nurturing their love for our breed – when it comes time for them to shine on their own it is the mentor herself who often falters.
I came across an interesting quote recently that had strange parallels to the situation faced by Jeff and Charlotte. It was found on a martial arts web site and read as follows: “I have heard a sensei once say that a student surpassing the teacher is a teacher’s greatest honour. I’m not sure I agree. I would feel great disappointment in myself if I was defeated or surpassed in skill by a student.”*
And so it can be in the dog world. Whether it is rooted in our own insecurities or simple jealousy is immaterial as it is our actions that speak most clearly to those we aim to help. Just as teenagers secretly look to their parents for approval and recognition, new breeders look to old for confirmation of their successes.
Good mentors recognize that the successes of their students, both former and current, are an extension of their own accomplishments. At the same time, however, at its base competition is about winning. Regardless of whether you are defeated by a friend or foe, losing is still losing. While one might sit in an ivory tower and expound the theoretic virtues of taking pride in the accomplishments of one’s student – that sentiment is sometimes neither realistic nor practical. Feelings are feelings, and competition speaks very strongly to our fragile human egos. With that in mind, it is hardly surprising that some of the best mentors are those who no longer actively exhibit their dogs and/or who live in far-removed geographic areas from those they help.
If you are facing such a situation, however, the key is to know yourself well enough to decide whether or not you can handle such a loss with grace. If you can’t, don’t set yourself up to fail. Take ownership of how you feel and make a plan to deal with it – whether that means avoiding direct competition or at the least discussing the issue with your student ahead of time. One of my favourite fellow competitors readily admits he is a poor loser and, upon leaving the ring after a loss, will often be heard to remark, “Give me a couple of minutes – I need to cool off.” He is open and honest about the fact that he is a poor loser, regardless of who he loses to. He separates himself from the situation in order to prevent himself saying things he might regret and, consequently, those he competes against can both predict and handle his response.
Regardless of how this problem is addressed though, it is important to recognize the potential for such a situation before it takes place.
Empty Nest Syndrome
Our second great challenge also finds parallels in parenthood -- knowing when to let go.
As was pondered briefly last month, the lifecycle of mentoring relationships is difficult to define. We can usually pinpoint the beginning fairly easily and in an ideal world the relationship would never “end,” but instead change to meet the shifting needs and skills of both the mentor and student. In an ideal world, mentorships eventually segue into partnerships and partnerships into equality (if there is such a thing in the dog world).
But we don’t live in an ideal world. Instead what most “students” find is that their status as a relative novice is difficult to leave behind in the eyes of their mentor, no matter how many years they have invested.
Over time this can lead to situations where our “student” (in reality now a breeder in his or her own right) is hemmed in by unneeded restrictions and trapped in a subservient position. If a strong individual, she may choose to break free of these restraints or at the least make her feelings known – sometimes with destructive effects on the relationship. If not, he/she may instead elect to become a satellite, allowing the master breeder to reap the benefits of her hard work or at least control the path of her breeding program.
In either case, the mentor has failed.
The modern penchant for contracts, co-ownerships and controls, discussed previously with regard to their effect on the developing student, can prove equally as difficult as the protégé matures. Despite growing knowledge and proven commitment, many mentors still struggle with the ability to trust. This is not to say that contracts are a bad thing – they most certainly have their uses, however it is important to re-evaluate the strengths of the individual you are dealing with each time a new agreement is entered into. The same strings should not apply to a breeder you have been mentoring for five years that apply to the first-time puppy buyer.
Mentorship Plans
One incredibly useful tool gaining popularity in the dog world is the use of a mentorship plan. While not precluding the use of individual contracts for particular dogs, this document clearly lays out both long and short-term goals for both the mentor and student to aim for. Among its benefits, it formalizes the mentorship – the equivalent of officially “going steady” in the dating world -- which eliminates ambiguity and the potential for differing expectations. Second, it gives both parties a very clear idea of the nature of the relationship, where it is going and how it can get there. Third, by identifying timeframes and benchmarks of success, the mentorship’s success can be more readily measured and its efforts more clearly focussed.
In some cases such an agreement may aim for eventual partnership and equality between the two parties, in others it may simply look at individual goals such as having a first litter, finishing a first champion, attending a national specialty, buying a dog from another line, etc. Regardless, such a plan affords a great deal of structure in what can be an otherwise winding and unpredictable path. It outlines the roles of each of the participants and forces each to take ownership of their expectations and responsibilities to make it happen. The agreement should be reviewed regularly, perhaps even annually, as often the source of contention in relationships stems from diverging expectations that have not been clearly communicated.
Trust
In the end, mentors who find themselves unable to trust their protégé’s over time need to seriously re-evaluate (a) whether that individual is a worthy student or (b) what their own attitudes are toward the relationship. After all, a mentorship without trust has limited possibilities in the long run.
Knowing when your student is ready to strike out on his or her own and providing her with the opportunity and encouragement to do so is the greatest gift a mentor can give. This transition is key. Sure, he or she will make mistakes – just as you have – but they will learn and grow even more in the doing than they ever could have through your telling.
Next month: Successful mentoring is a two-way street. Being a good student is an important part of the equation.
____________________________
Amanda Kelly is an award-winning dog writer from Halifax, Nova Scotia. Along with her mother, Wendy, Amanda breeds top-winning Toy Manchester Terriers under the Fwaggle prefix. She is currently Editor of Canine Review, Canada's oldest independent dog magazine.
____________________________
Tips For Being A Good Mentor
- Accessibility: Remember what it was to be new – minimize roadblocks for new fanciers and make yourself both visible and available.
- Acknowledgement: Don’t dismiss the ideas of newbies out of hand. Just because someone has only been in the breed for “five minutes” doesn’t mean their points aren’t valid. A fresh pair of eyes can be invaluable.
- Legality: Put everything down in black and white. Managing expectations is key to a successful relationship and can be most effectively accomplished with clear, fair contracts.
- Respect: Provide guidance without condescension – you are not doing the novice a favour by helping them, they are doing your breed a favour by helping it.
- Validation: Take a moment every now and then to set real, achievable goals with your student-breeder. Write a mentorship plan outlining the goals of each participant, particularly the student. When he or she accomplishes them, celebrate! Their successes are your successes.
- Fairness: Do not use prefabricated sales contracts. Take a moment to evaluate the relationship you have or haven’t built with a student-breeder before entering into any new agreements. Adjust the stringency of the contract accordingly.
- Autonomy: Know when to let go. Help your student transition into a successful, autonomous breeder by confirming her accomplishments, acknowledging the strength of her opinions and encouraging expansion.